Update

Sometimes, it is a good thing to take a break from one's blog. These things can get addicting, time consuming and over time, so habitual that they are no longer interesting or beneficial. I started this blog to keep my friends updated on my life while I retreated to medical school and as a place to vent, tell stories and record things I would still like to read in a few years. Some of these entries are like that, some are not. So I'll probably be updating less in the future, but trying to make my entries more - as med students would say - "high yield."

But for now an update:
I finished fall quarter absolutely exhaused. Everything I did that quarter felt half-hearted and the last few weeks were spent in a disordered, frustrated and stressful panic as I tried to catch up on my work. Fortunately, over the break, I finally rested. I also moved to Sacramento so that I could be closer to the med center and get out of claustrophobic Davis. I love my new apartment, which has a lot of windows and has a nice view, and I like being in a more urban environment.

This quarter started off a lot better. The classes are far more interesting, partly because the professors are better and partly because we already learned a lot of this material before and are just learning to apply it clinically. That feels rewarding. Though I am still frustrated by how much of what I learn I forget, it is nice to finally feel like I'm building up a solid foundation.

On a last note, my last grandmother died this weekend. Though I had spent little time with her since we left Poland, I know that she loved us dearly, and I remember how last time my sister and I were leaving her house two years ago, she cried because she was afraid she would not see us again. We had decided that we could visit her this summer for her 85th birthday, and she told me over Christmas that she was holding out for it.

It is amazing to me that when people die, our muddled values about the things that are important in life become suddenly clear. Within a moment of finding out that she had passed away, I began to wonder what exactly seemed so much more important in my life than sending my grandmother an occasional letter or putting together some photos for her. I know that it is natural to be wracked with guilt and regret when people die, and I know better than to beat myself for things I didn't do, but it is an important awakening. We go through life in this high-strung mentality trying to accomplish, buy and get as much as we can and we rebel from that stress by engulfing ourselves in numbing and useless habits that shelter us from that stress. In the process, we forget to feed the things that make us who we are, to be mindful of the moment, and appreciative of the things we have. I know I will have to learn this lesson over and over again in the future, but I hope that learning it now is something I can thank my grandmother for when I go to say goodbye to her next week.