Giddiness

Last month, my mom said we were no longer going to toast my finals every time I visit because there are just too many of them. How true. But you know what? It's getting addicting. There are few things better in med school than the day after finals end. A feeling of release and relief. It's not really a feeling of accomplishment, but more one of reward: I deserve to do NOTHING today. I deserve to turn off all the clocks in my house and sleep until I choose to wake up. I deserve to read a real book and listen to the radio and watch a movie.

At the end of the first quarter of my first year, it was wonderful. It was relief and surprise. It was this sudden release of all that stress and fear and adrenaline that had been built up over those months. We were happy for ourselves and happy for each other. The entire class went out that night to celebrate together.

These days the fear is gone, as is the self-satisfaction. I feel little after I walk out of my last final because I'm usually too tired to have emotions and I know that the next set of exams will come up again very soon. My house is a mess and my friends and family have been neglected. I come home feeling like I should be happy, but mostly confused by the absence of goals -- not really sure what I should do to celebrate and too tired to find the motivation to go to bed.

But the next morning, usually 12-14 of hours of sleep later, that feeling comes again: it is an overwhelming giddiness, that eternal bright eyed kid in a candy store feeling, and it is almost incapacitating. Everything is released. I can sleep for however long I want, though I don't actually want to. I get goosebumps at the thought of listening to NPR while I clean my kitchen and do my bills. It is wonderful and electrifying. And far too good to keep me on this blog any longer...