So today has been crappy, but I'm know that part of my mental barf in the previous post has a lot to do with thoughts and feelings that have been creeping up over time, but that I haven't had the energy or time to deal with. They been chasing me for weeks, and when I suddenly stopped today, they just slammed right into me. They aren't new thoughts, they aren't particularly unique, but currently, they are pretty darn intense. Most of them center around the fact that in general, I find that I'm a pretty nice and compassionate person; people like me; patients from all sorts of backgrounds get along with me, and I know just what to say to make them respond the way I want them to. I bring good energy to my work and I choose, in general, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to turn an escalating situation into an opportunity for better communication, and to stay professional and respectful even with the most difficult people.
But I'm finding that when I have a chance to slow down and look around me, I realize that I really don't like most people. I don't respect them and I'm annoyed at their selfishness, dependence, laziness and air of entitlement. If I take the time, I know I will find something about them that is likable, but that effort, which I am quite good at, is really not about them, but about me. It's about how good of a person I can seem to be. Just how much more compassionate or caring or hard-working or unyielding in my care I can be than the next person. After a few hundred patients, the art of general medicine, the ability to care for another, no longer becomes about the doctor's humanity or selflessness or compassion. It becomes a skill, one that is no different and no more personal than the technical mastery of a surgeon.
Talking to my friends in med school, I realize that this is not an uncommon feeling. Bender, one of the nicest people I know, wrote this in his blog yesterday:
I'm a little tired of medicine in general... Every once in a while, I meet patients who really make my day and I want to do right by them. However, when I'm being honest with myself I know that in general, I don't think people are that great. My car go egged to shit yesterday and I find that most of the people I meet in this world are assholes, ignorant, whatever. It's draining to work with them, trying to make their lives better when all they wanna do is screw themselves over some more, or try to screw me over. I'm still altruistic and full of romantic notions of medicine, but seriously, it's hard to keep a good perspective. I came into this profession cuz I wanna be out there keeping people doing what they wanna do. I wish all the docs out there would do me a favor and stop calling people gomers, or whatever the hell they call them. damn...I'm strung out on cold meds.
Of course I realize that I'm tired and sick and generally grumpy, and I know that I will feel differently tomorrow or the next day, but some of these thoughts will not go away. Many people are lazy, selfish and self-destructive. The average IQ is 100, by defition. Many people are not sharp or thoughtful enough to disguise their lame attempts at manipulation or deceit; many choose to lie, complain, demand and blame. For many reasons, not all of them simple, I chose a future career where I will do my best to prolong their miserable lives. Yay.
No comments:
Post a Comment