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Resident: "I went in to check on Mr. M, the man who swallowed the razor blades - he's enjoying himself as usual and he's had a few bowel movements, but no sign of them, yet."
Several people at once: "Who gets to look for those????!"
Resident: "I think the nurse had to do it."
This is followed by a collective bout of nausea and overwhelming sympathy for all with nursing degrees.
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Med student 1: "Do you think it's ethical for me to give my evaluation to my borderline patient who currently thinks I'm the best doctor in the world?"
Med student 2: "I did. What else am I supposed to do? Most of my other patients can't talk, or write for that matter, and the rest are currently denying their voices only because they're loaded up on massive anti-psychotic meds.
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Me: "I went to see my patient today but he wasn't in his room."
Attending: "What do you mean he wasn't there?"
M: "His bed was empty and his nurse said she thought he might be in ultrasound."
A: "You know he's paranoid, right?"
M: "Yeah, I even checked under the bed."
A: "He's afraid of people taking him away."
M: "Well, I think they just did."
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