a year later (or: another self-absorbed post)

I just reread a post I wrote a year ago, and am surpised at the subtle changes that have happened since then. "Back then", I was much more apprehensive about what it meant to be in medical school: the long hours, the need to learn everything I could, the need to be respected by my patients and the need not to lose myself amid all of those responsibilities.

Now, things feel remarkably different: I can no longer ever sleep less than 6 hours and I am acutely aware that a lot of what I am trying to learn right now will need to be relearned over and over in my life. I am more confident with my patients, at least on the personal level, but I am really starting to realize what my weaknesses will be when I am in charge of their lives. And though I am still a little apprehensive about this "black hole" called medical school which my life has disappeared into for the next few years, I'm realizing that there are little things I can do to bring light in there with me. I find time to climb, grab dinner with a friend, try out a neighborhood bar, go hiking in Marin or sail on the bay, and even watch a few stellar basketball games on TV. I even keep the oil filled in my car and -usually- clean the clothes off my bathroom floor. And I didn't even had to stop riding the cart down the grocery store aisles, even if I'm wearing scrubs!

Things haven't gotten easier, though, they've just gotten more natural. "Me" has reentered my life and shaped it the way she likes it. My weaknesses in medicine will be the same as those in my life: I will doubt myself a lot when other people's opinions are involved and I will try to micromanage things when the outcome is full of unknowns. I will have no trouble holding a dying person's hand and helping them come to terms with their death, though --every time-- I will break down in the car afterwards. I will be amazed by my friends and colleagues, but have trouble expressing it without sounding disingenous. I will fly into a silent rage when I see someone acting injustly towards others, but feel too embarassed of my idealism and passion to do anything to stop them. And I will be thinking about all these things far too much, while struggling to stay in the moment and remind myself how much I love what I am doing.