My day off yesterday went by in a flash. I even managed to come in to work this morning 1 hour late and more tired than ever. The day off was great - rock climbing, cleaning (finally!), and then a nice wine and cheese get together with friends.
I can't say I'm working as hard as I thought I would, or as hard as many of my friends. Partly, I think it's this new schedule - I admit almost everyday, but never more than one patient. (Last year I would occasionally admit 3 people on my call days,) Now our call is every 4 days and I'm usually there from 6am to midnight, but on the other days, I still work from 5am-6pm.
Honestly, though, I can't really blame it on the schedule. Mostly, I think I'm just afraid to dive in. After six weeks away from the hospital, I had just started getting comfortable in my own skin again and enjoying life outside of medicine. Now, I'm afraid that the more I engage with being back in the hospital, the more I will lose that drive to stop and play and enjoy life outside of it. Grab a last minute beer with friends? Probably not... I have to get up early and should do some reading before sleep. Go hiking on my day off? No... then I'll be too tired the next day, with a whole new week ahead of me. Yeah, I'm trying very hard not to become that person.
Today, I read an SFGATE article about a group of people hiking 70 miles east to west through the Sierras. The photos of the scenery reminded me of the few backpacking trips I've had a chance to do there. That brief memory actually almost knocked my breath out - I really ached to be there, and worried about when I would again get a chance to go back.
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