sorry

This blogging thing is a double-edged sword. I like the space to vent, rant, and spin my brain cells into oblivion, but then I see that some of you read this stuff, and diligently click on my blog daily, and I start to feel guilty. Sorry for being absent for the past few weeks. Maybe, it says more about me than the whole medical school thing that when I'm on vacation, I really have nothing to share.

Vacation has been wonderful, and much needed. In many ways, I've remembered the things that make me happy, and found new energy for continually making them happen throughout the year. I've organized a group of friends to go to a bar on a weekly occasion and I'm hoping to start monthly trips to the theater or a local museum. I've gone kayaking, backpacking, camping, and climbing more in the past few months than I have in the last few years.

In other ways, however, I've discovered, sadly, that I have become somewhat of a shell of who I used to be. That shell is not empty; it's now filled with medical stuff and "physician-identity" shit... but what used to fill it and define me has rather shriveled up. On the outside I can still say I'm a"rock-climber, sailor and kayaker", an "activist", a "good daughter and good friend", but inside, I'm mostly this new physician-to-be infant trying to learn how to walk in my fast growing shoes. I'm still clumsy at the latter, but I'm beginning to suck at all those former things.

Part of me is resentful of this discovery right now. This is my Fourth Year of Medical School. The Best Year of My Medical Career. I'm supposed to be happy and carefree...though maybe not for another few months. Instead, I'm just troubled, though I try hard to stuff those daily troubles into an easily portable little box. My life is not necessarily where I want it to be, though it is not where I don't want it to be either. I don't know where I'll be in a year, though I doubt it will be anywhere bad. I want more things to happen to me, though what is happening is not so bad after all. Arg. These must be the post vacation blues.

On Monday, I start my next rotation. It will probably be the most important one I do this year. I am lucky enough to work with a tough but forgiving attending for the first two weeks and then, with the most legendary attendings of our entire hospital. I'm excited and scared. Kind of like on a first date. I believe in who I am, but will they be able to see me, through everything we all bring to the table?