Ick

So far, I'm not really jivin' with November. It didn't start off very well, and it hasn't gotten any better. As Winter approaches, the days get shorter, and the Sacramento fog rolls in, I'm finding myself engulfed by a disturbing suspicion that we're in for some pretty bad times. There's definitely apprehension about four more surreal years of a this crazy administration that now knows it will not be held accountable for bombing tens of thousands of innocent civilians, for ruining our environment, for putting us into decades of debt, for feeding the flames of irrelevant but hateful cultural wars, and for presiding over the greatest shift of wealth (in the wrong direction) in America. But blah blah blah.

Even all that could be ignored by a privilaged northern Californian borrowing her way thorugh medical school, at least for a while, if I wasn't seeing ugly things all around me. In the last month, I have seen terrible things happen to people who have spent their lives working hard and giving to others. People I know and care about, have had their lives completely altered by a five second shift in fate. I've watched others slowly fade into empty shells of who they once were or ride a circular rollercoaster more times than can be counted. I've watched the passionate lose over and over, until any humor they once had has turned to anger; and I've seen greed, selfishness, and laziness trump integrity on a daily basis. And none of it ever seems to stop. Sometimes it seems like the moment someone finally pulls themselves together and gets back to living life, another bombshell drops.

A friend has told me that at times like this one needs to let go and practice a bit of zen understanding that we are not always -usually?- in control. This is definitely a worthwhile thought to meditate on, but I'm realizing (now, at 4am, as I can't seem to fall asleep before my 8am class), that this direction that my life is moving towards will force me to constantly agitate against this frustrating dichotomy of fate/inevitabilty vs the power to control.

Everyday in medical school, we learn of the processes and diseases that we all eventually succomb to. At the same time, our entire purpose -all our energy- is consumed by the endeavor to defeat, hold back, and control these inevitable outcomes. We watch tumors invade cavity walls and announce themselves through innoculate symptoms like hoarseness of voice, and we are given the tools and sometimes the power to fight the fate that these cells carry. This amazing knowledge and these extraordinary skills will be in our possession in just a few years, and yet, quite often, we will remain utterly helpless.

Medical schools like mine look for students who have the motivation and passion to become physicians, along with the heart and humanity to be caretakers of the sick and dying. However, each one of us will have to personally figure out how we can balance these often juxtaposed goals. How do you fight tirelessly for your patient's life and know when it is time to give up and ease them into a "good" death? How do you, every day in your life, continue to fight and believe that you have the power to affect something, when terrible things continue to happen all around you?