future thoughts

Haven't posted in a while. Just a bit too busy and really not in the headspace where I have something thoughtful to say. Most of my day is spent rushing around trying to get things done while at the same time staying in constant anticipation for the next emergency that will come rushing through our emergency room doors. I seem to like that existance a lot more than others, which leads me to the third thing that most often fills my day: intense and constant stressing about whether or not I like trauma surgery enough to do it (and live it) for the rest of my life. They never tell you this, but it has beccome apparent for me after talking with friends and classmates, that a remarkable amount of energy spent during the third year of medical school is spent engaged in this daily compulsive obsession about what direction we will go into as doctors.

The choice is complex, the variables are not all known, and the final decision can be quite binding, at least for a good few years. A lot of things have to be considered. Not just whether or not I have passion for a field but also whether I want to live the lifestyle that goes with it, spend my days with the types of people that work in it, and encounter the social/cultural/economic challenges associated with that field.

Trauma surgery is exciting and empowering. I like the directness with which these doctors think, and in general, I like the personalities of most trauma and general surgeon doctors at our hospital (other things can be said about some of the other surgery specialties). I like feeling useful, I like seeing the result of my work, I like feeling like I am prepared to react to almost any medical emergency. But I'm not sure if I'm more passionate about the OR than the rest of medicine, and though I don't actually hate working long hours, I do not want my entire life to be engulfed by my career. When I try to tear myself out of bed at 4am, I have a hard time convincing myself that this is worth it, but then whenever I get off from work and have time to reflect on my day, I find myself dreading the end of this rotation...